© Janet Davis
1.
Thou shalt observe most
carefully the agreed hours of visitation, neither entering before the appointed
hour nor parting late. Nay, even if
thou dost become perilously lost and grievously confounded in the uncharted
lanes of the kingdom.
2.
Thou shalt not park thy vehicle
on thy host’s neighbour’s turf, nor obstruct his neighbour’s carriageway, nor
utter in a loud voice to thy hosts:
“Tis a pity, sir that thy neighbour’s garden cannot more closely resemble
thine own.”
3.
If there be a surfeit of
visitors in a confined garden space, thou shalt endure outside in patience
while waiting thy turn to enter there.
4.
Thou shalt not enter into that
gentle garden accompanied by snarling cur, nor squalling babe, nor unruly
child, lest they aggrieve thy host and trample his prettie plants.
5.
Thou shalt not stand within
earshot of thy host, point to a prettie plant, and declare in a loud voice: “Ah
yes, I grow this prettie plant too, but mine looks ten times as grand as this
poor wee thing.” But if thy tongue
should slip and thy host seems passing sad or sorely vexed at thine utterance,
thou must not further declare: “Fear
not, poor wretch, perhaps my prettie plant is more advanced in years than thy
paltry wee thing.”
6.
Thou shalt not utter Botanical
Latin unless thou hast been addressed in Botanical Latin first. And if thou and thy host agree that uttering
Botanical Latin is a passing agreeable thing, thou shalt not deny those waiting
nearby the opening to address thy host in common tongue.
7.
Thou shalt not covet thy host’s
purple-leafed cimicifuga, nor his pink-flowered sambucus, nor his hosta ‘Fire
and Ice’.
8.
Thou shalt not tread on any
small prettie plants placed artfully amidst the stepping- stones by thy hosts,
and if thou dost tread heavily there, thou must flee with great haste before
thy host shall sound his alarm.
9.
Thou shalt not sup nor drink in
thy host’s garden, neither on thine own prepared sustenance nor on the fruits,
roots or berries prettily tended by thy host.
10.
Thou shalt not spit in thy host’s
garden, nor utter oaths, nor indulge in the pleasures of demon tobacco, lest
thy host disapprove and cast thee out.
11.
Thou shalt not pinch, nor
pluck, nor prune, nor nip, nor cut, nor hack, nor rip, nor clip, nor otherwise
make stealth with prettie plants growing in thy host’s garden, unless thy host
has offered them to thou freely.
12.
Thou shalt not gaze untoward
into thy host’s castle windows, nor make loud mention of his handsome
furnishings, nor pass through his threshold, unless he bids you enter there.
13.
Thou shalt not demand to
relieve thyself in thy host’s private chamber.
Nay, nor in his prettie bushes nor his handsome fountain. Nay, nay!
14.
Thou shalt not express thy
displeasure of this plant or that effect, lest thy host be standing nearby,
unseen yet awares. Nay, instead thou
shalt declare in a loud voice, in this manner:
“My, what a passing handsome marriage of hues most brilliantly violet
and orange is this brave planting here!”
And whenst thou dost utter these words, thou must not smirk, nor titter,
nor wink thine eye.
15.
Thou shalt bid thy host kind
adieu and most sincere thanks for deigning to open his garden gates and admit
thee therein.
Adapted from an article that appeared originally in Toronto Gardens